I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
