last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
