my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
