I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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