summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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