Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize