I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
