If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
