we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
