i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He did a backflip because drugs
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