Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
