I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
