Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
