I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
