I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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