thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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