I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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