her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
