There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
