please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize