You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
