The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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