Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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