Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
