Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
