What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
