i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
