I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
