Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
