omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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