Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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