I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
