Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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