I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
