im drinking this country out of the recession.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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