There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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