My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
