WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
