he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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