if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I faked an abortion last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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