Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
