And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
