Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
