Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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