i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
