Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
