I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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