you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
