he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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