Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
