would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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