The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
