the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize