I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
