see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
