just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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