She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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