when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
