I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
