I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
