Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
