you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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