I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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