if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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