I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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