I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
